Grumbling, Complaining, and Humility
I need a lot of help, a large dose of God’s grace, and maybe a boost of faith to say, “Not my will, but yours be done.”
The weak began with rain and mosquitoes upon mosquitoes upon mosquitoes, while the week ended with muggy heat. At that point it had felt like we had lived through the apocalypse. Time to get out of here!
It wasn’t just the bugs and the heat that were bugging me (pun most certainly intended), it felt like my time and presence wasn’t being valued and respected. Let me shake the dust off my feet at these people and this place!
* * *
“Do not grumble or dispute among yourselves.”
“But Paul,” I wonder to myself, “You don’t understand.”
How could he really understand my experiences and the “hardships” I’m going through?!
“Indeed, I do,” Paul would say, “For I have learned in whatever situation, I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need” (Phil. 4:11-12). Paul, of all people, would have been in his full rights to complain—being in prison, facing death, suffering, and all that. The heavenly HR department received no grievances from Paul. He was, instead, radically changed by the grace of Jesus Christ, and was freed to “rejoice in the Lord always” (Phil. 4:4).
The heavenly HR department received no grievances from Paul. He was, instead, radically changed by the grace of Jesus Christ, and was freed to “rejoice in the Lord always” (Phil. 4:4).
* * *
I’m mopping and vacuuming the floors, feeling a little annoyed about the job. As I’m grumbling to myself, these words come flooding into my ears: “A monk is content with the lowest and most menial treatment, and regards himself as a poor and worthless workman in whatever task he is given.”1
An angel wasn’t speaking to me, nor the Holy Spirit—maybe he was actually. I was listening to the Rule of St. Benedict. I’m not a monk, but aren’t all Christians monks in a way?2 I find the wisdom of St. Benedict to be a helpful guide in living out the way of Jesus. The life of a monk, according to St. Benedict’s vision, is extremely disciplined, with much praying, studying, and silence, to make space for God to invade your life and space.
Anyway, I felt convicted by these likely Spirit-filled words. This stubborn grump needed to hear them at just the right moment. In our psychologized society, it may make some feel uncomfortable to hear that you are a “worthless workman,” and that any job is not beneath you. “No!” we may protest. “I am a good person!” Oh? “We are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy table, O merciful Lord.”3
You and I are sinners. We are not worthy to receive the grace of God, but that does not stop him from coming to us. To pick up our cross and respond to Christ means we accept what comes our way with the grace of God. We are lowly servants, and no job or task we’re called to by God is not worth our time. Every situation is an opportunity in learning to love and serve God.
* * *
Paul “humbled himself” like Jesus Christ (Phil. 2:8). His secret ingredient among the pain, suffering, helplessness, in the dark, was to “do all things through him who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:13). The more I meditate upon all this I remember that my life really does not belong to me. My presence and time are Christ’s, and are for him to use as he builds his kingdom on earth. And the power is there, from Christ himself, to accomplish the things we don’t think we’re able to do, or to persevere through the intolerable moments of life.
We are not worthy to receive the grace of God, but that does not stop him from coming to us. To pick up our cross and respond to Christ means we accept what comes our way with the grace of God.
I remember: I am not my own, I belong to a new master. If I’m honest, I’m not always a fan of that reality, but who is? I like being my own boss, my own authority, my own pastor even. And that’s where St. Benedict’s rule, or any other rule—grounded in Christ’s way of life—comes in. I need a lot of help, a large dose of God’s grace, and maybe a boost of faith to say, “Not my will, but yours be done.”
This won’t be the last time I return to any of these words from either St. Paul or St. Benedict, and hasn’t been the first. I wish the journey of humility was as quick as the snap of the finger, but it isn’t. I wish I could stop complaining and grumbling, but it’s my second nature, and that’s hard to fight against. Failure is inevitable, even in the spiritual life; I’m only human. So I push on with the grace and love of God, and with St. Paul and St. Benedict cheering me along the way.
Rule of St. Benedict, 7.49, https://saintjohnsabbey.org/rule.
Greg Peters, The Monkhood of All Believers: The Monastic Foundation of Christian Spirituality (Grand Rapids: Baker Academic, 2018).
Prayer of Humble Access, from the Book of Common Prayer.